Crafting the worst interview process in 8 easy steps

As a student, I’ve had a fair number of interviews and have discussed with others some of the ridiculous things companies do during the interview process. So I decided to put together a guide to concoct the most painful interview process based on things I’ve heard and experienced. Enjoy!

Step 1: Email potential interviewee

Start out normal. Email the victim interviewee explaining how interested you are in finding out more about him – how you’d like to see if he or she would be a good match for the company.

Step 2: Ask for potential dates for phone interview or in-person interview

Keep the facade going, lure him in by seeming like you will actually schedule this interview. This is an important step, this gives the interviewee hope. That ‘hope’ has to be enough so that he will stick with you until the dirty end.

Step 3: Wait until after those dates have passed to respond

Perfect way to start the process. You’ve probably peeved him a little, but his emails are still full of niceties like “Thank you” and “Hello.”

Step 4: Repeat Steps 2 & 3 a sufficient number of times

Break his will by repeating steps 2 & 3. What’s a “sufficient” number of times? Some key indicators are: the failure to address you by your name at the beginning of the email, no more “Thank you”s, noticeable terseness in his responses.

Step 5: Give the wrong address to your interviewee

So you’ve finally worked out a date. He’s probably pretty relieved and he might even ask you where the office is. Nail him here by “accidentally” sending him the wrong address. He’s a busy guy so taking time to drive somewhere during the work day is most likely a hassle at the least. Even better, the interviewee is a student and doesn’t even have a car. Now that student has to pay an arm and a leg to get/borrow someone’s car. Score.

Step 6: Reschedule with correct address

You can lose him here, so your apology email must be sincere. Pretend like you’ve turned a new leaf. Reschedule the interview with new vigor and assure him that you’ve given him the correct address.

Step 7: The interview

Give the guy hope. Toy with his emotions as much as possible. Tell him how much you need his skills and how he would be a great addition to the team. Throw him softball questions that you know he’ll knock out of the park. Make sure the interview lasts a long time – you want to make sure you really wasted his day. Then end the interview with a firm handshake and say “We’ll get back to you soon.”

Step 8: Never Respond

This is key. Up to this point, it’s all tolerable – the interview process is usually not fun. Miscommunications happen all the time, your interviewee can look past this. Long interviews are fine when your interviewee sees the value in it and got a chance to meet some of your team. However, simply not responding after he comes in for an interview, after taking time out of his day, after sweating through all your interview questions is a small push that will make him never want to come back. Maybe it’s because it’s so easy to write a response or maybe it’s because an answer would put to rest his thoughts – whatever it is, this usually does the trick.

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